There is one (1) Phantom CubeBox 2-Cow in this picture. It cannot
Utilizing the latest in yet-to-be-discovered technological advances, the
BobIsTheBestAndYouSuckSoft Inc. Phantom CubeBox 2-Cow promises to bring to
life a new generation of video games that are more real than reality. And
that's saying a lot.
Phantom CubeBox 2-Cow In Depth:
Features the first non-military application of the HyperPotato 2000
Creates an alternate reality within the television set of the viewer for
the best video quality available now or ever!
Dynamically loads software from a geosynchronous orbiting satellite above
the user's home!
Compatible with any video game system before or since!
Cooled by built-in fusion-powered heat exchager, which along with the
14,000,000,000 ton heat sink (conveniently hidden within a black hole inside
the unit) can keep the HyperPotato 2000 at its operating temperature of 0 K!
Full portability and cloaking technology allows play anytime, anywhere!
And a free doodly hat with each purchase!
How is this Possible?
Never operate your Phantom CubeBox
2-Cow without the cooling subsystem in place!
It has been brought to our attention that some people, upon reading the first
section, did not immediately purchase a Phantom CubeBox 2-Cow. O ye of little
faith! The full details, in all of their splendour, will now be revealed!
The HyperPotato 2000
The source material for a HyperPotato 2000 macroprocessor
The Phantom CubeBox 2-Cow can achieve its astounding performance mainly
through use of the HyperPotato 2000 macroprocessor, so called because each
is carved by hand from an authentic Idaho potato, grown in a special shiny
field handed down through 700 generations of Mexican Pygmy Beets.
A proud family of Mexican Pygmy Beets
The HyperPotato 2000 is able to perform vast calculations in the space of
trillionths of a second. How? Using special MicroHyperChannelSubspaceBozo™
technology, the HyperPotato transcribes the problem to be solved on small
sheets of paper and sends them through a wormhole to the future, where (or
rather when) billions of tiny elves work them out by hand, then pass the
answers back through the wormhole where they are vaporized to unleash the
secret 17 herbs and spices that make up all answers.
A HyperPotato elf awaiting instructions
Bobsoft 1337dows 95-billion
Of course more than great hardware is needed for a great (or in this case
really-ultra-super-great) video game system, so we at BobIsTheBestAndYouSuckSoft
wrote a really great operating system to run upon this most spiffy of
consoles. Development took approximately 10 seconds, and though some small
aspects of the OS were borrowed from other sources I'm sure you'll agree that
1337dows 95-billion is a whole lot cooler than that other operating system
that looks and behaves exactly the same except for the startup logo.
An image from Earth: The Game
At the time of this writing 0,000,000 developers have signed up to support
the Phantom CubeBox 2-Cow, but desipte this overwhelming third-party
support BobIsTheBestAndYouSuckSoft is writing its own awesome games for the
Most Powerful System On Earth Or In Any Nearby Galaxies™:
Earth: The Game
You play the earth. With its incredible power the
Phantom CubeBox 2-Cow is able to simulate the precise behavior of every
person, tree, car and sheep (plus 2,600+ other being types with the expansion
pack!) on the planet at once, and render them with perfect realism and accuracy.
As the earth you spin around the sun and your own axis. You can do nothing
with various buttons on the included Control Pad-ish-thingy.
AND: Grammer Adventures in Smelly Land
AND stands for And N D, which means something if you look at it from a
right angle to reality (which you can finally do with the PCB2C!). You play
the word "and" and you run around fitting into sentences to make them work
right. The sentences all involve something that smells.
And That About It For Now...
This isn't really a game, its just an entry in the list to let you know
that there are no more games in the list. This kind of list-writing
competence is what seperates BobIsTheBestAndYouSuckSoft, Inc. from lesser
As if that wasn't entertaining enough, in a blatant move to escape having to
write any real games the Phantom CubeBox 2-Cow supports games from
all known (and several unknown!) video game systems, giving the PCB2C a vast
library of titles with no extra effort on the part of the developer. How is
such an awesome technological feat accomplished? Simply! Inside of the case
is every other video game system ever made, all wired together in perfect
harmony. Games are beamed to users of the PCB2C from the BobIsTheBestAndYouSuckSoft
space station at speeds in excess of 1 gajillion bytes/second. Access is
unlimited for a small monthly fee of YOUR SOUL and one (1) Jade Monkey.
"Ah," you say, "I have found a flaw in your flawless plan to deliver pure
gaming pleasure to people worldwide!"
"What?" demands the god of videogaming, BobIsTheBestAndYouSuckSoft, Inc.
"How dare you blaspheme against the name of the Phantom CubeBox 2-Cow! Repent,
subscribe to the official monthly magazine Useless News About Video Games, and
ye may yet be saved!"
"I shall do no such thing!" you insist, mortal slime that you are, "for
the mighty Copyright Force shall descend upon you like a theif in the night,
stripping you of your billions ill-gotten from sale of the games of others!
Ye reap what ye did not sew; indeed you, BobSoft, should repent, that the
coming hammer blow will strike in a non-lethal manner, injuring only several
important organs rather than them all!"
"FOOL!" thunders the almighty BobSoft, "The repository of ROMs
is a mighty space fortress, defended by massive batteries of laser cannon,
surrounded by a force field of immeasurable power, manned by the most vicious
and efficient staff of Trained Monkeys With Swords On Their Tails™ that
money can buy! No foe shall assail the will of Bob and live to tell the
You are cast into the Pit of Eternal Damnation™,
deprived of the life-giving Video Games which you so crave forever more.
How to Purchase
A mere 2,532 Hope Diamonds can get you the Most Powerful System On
Earth Or In Any Nearby Galaxies™
So you've finally come to your senses and are ready to buy a Phantom CubeBox
2-Cow? Welcome to the Dark Side, my son. As most of mankind doesn't have enough
money to purchase it outright (A quick way to find out is to count up all the
cash you have, add to it the number of countries you own, and then subtract
the amount of cash you have. If the result is less than fifteen (15), you'll
need some more dough), BobIsTheBestAndYouSuckSoft, Inc. offers convenient
financing programs. First you sign away your house, your car, your children
(present and future), and any bottlecap collections you may have, then you
agree to give the rest of your life in service to BobSoft. After you are dead
a Phantom CubeBox 2-Cow will be dedicated to your honor and given to needy
CEOs of video game companies.
When Can I Get One?
Although a civilization sufficiently advanced to use the technology involved
in constructing the Phantom CubeBox 2-Cow does not yet exist, the statistical
likelihood is that one day it will. Therefore a note has been written and
sealed in an envelope marked "Do Not Open Until The Technology Required
To Construct A Phantom CubeBox 2-Cow Has Been Discovered And Time Travel Is
Possible". The expectation is that at some point the envelope will be opened
and the citizens of the future, with nothing better to do, will manufacture
Phantom CubeBox 2-Cows and send them back in time for our use. Since this
will have already, effectively, happened, you might say that we already have
potential PCB2Cs in stock. Buy one! You must! The safety of the nation, nay, the
world, depends on it!
This version not portable enough for ya? How about this?Halley's Comet Software, whatever that is.
No brain cells were utilized in the construction of this web page.
Look! The line is going up! As any trained statistician can tell you,
this means that Ultra™ Minty-Fresh Gum really is better for your teeth.